Happiness

I’ve spent a chunk of time contemplating happiness this week.  I see so many people striving for happiness. For themselves. For their kids.  The next big trip. The easy path. The experience. The new. The exciting. The never ending search for something to cram in that God shaped hole in their heart.

The thing is those are all fleeting things.  Dust.

I was challenged on my view.  Surely, as a parent, I want happiness for my children.  I don’t. I want holiness.

See God promises joy, not happiness.  Joy isn’t fleeting. Joy is a gift from God.  Happiness is a feeling. Dopamine. Happiness is insubstantial, where joy is enduring.

Life can be so hard.  Sometimes our lack of happiness is due to the consequences of our choices.  Sometimes, for seemingly unknown reasons, other than the fact we live in a fallen world, these circumstances seem to befall us.  The thing is, it isn’t accidental. God knew we needed this trial to be who we need to be to reach heaven.

I’m not here to make my children happy (I’m also not here to make them miserable...most of the time!).

I can’t step in and remove each discomfort that would be used to shape their character and expect them to grow.  I don’t know how God will shape and prune them to fit them into the kingdom, just the way He needs them.

And after I was challenged about my assertion that I really didn’t want my children to be happy (if that’s not what they need).  I talked to the kids about it. Guess what. They weren’t surprised. They know I’m not out to get them, that we make choices to do things they want, but, thankfully, they know happiness is not our goal.

Heaven is.  Loving Jesus.

I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;

    I refused my heart no pleasure.

My heart took delight in all my labor,

    and this was the reward for all my toil.

Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done

    and what I had toiled to achieve,

everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;

    nothing was gained under the sun.

Ecclesiastes 2:10-11

The law of the Lord is perfect,

    refreshing the soul.

The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy,

    making wise the simple.

The precepts of the Lord are right,

    giving joy to the heart.

The commands of the Lord are radiant,

    giving light to the eyes.

Psalm 19:7-8

Friday Funny

Me (restating what I thought I understood from Ellie's story):So, the girl had shaving cream on her face, so they took her to the doctor, and gave her a breath mint?

Ellie: No.  She had bubbles.

Nate: She must have had rabies.

Me: ....they can't treat rabies with a breath mint.

Blue Skies and Libraries

With my vision being restored right at the new year, I thought it providential.  So this year I’m trying to really see things.  Somethings might just be the beauty of the vision or it might be deeper than that, so, without further ado, blue skies and libraries...

Our January has not been very January-y.  It might not be crisp white snows, but it is remarkably beautiful.  We've taken walks under clear blue skies.  I'm grateful for the sun that shines and the beautiful days.

Then libraries...

When I was a girl my mom would take my little sister and me to our public library.  I remember the open steps, wide to the half way point, that split to two separate sets of narrower steps after that point.  I can still see the stacks of books, low for smaller children in the middle, tall on either end for older kids chapter books on one side and the young adult books by the stairs.  I can remember where the Nancy Drew books were in the dimly lit section.  The L.M. Montgomery paperbacks on the wire rack in the YA section.  The microfiche on the first floor, the actual cards in the book, with your due date slip to be stamped.  Carrying stacks of books that we precariously balances to the parking lot in the shady lot out back.

My school library is where I found the Mr. Men & Little Miss and Amelia Bedelia  books before I graduated up to Nancy Drew and Little House books.

In college, I worked in the stacks, reshelving books.  I did shelf reading, the somewhat tedious task of checking the call numbers of each book to be sure they are all in the right spots.  I edged books (lining them up at the edge of the shelf to make it easier to find the right book).  I helped with shifting books as the collection changed, and worked on the barcoding of the books the summer we started that project.  I also found Jane Austen in those days.  I'd check out a copy to take home and read a shelved copy on my breaks.

I've held library cards in Kentucky, Alabama, Kansas, and Tennessee.  In Alabama, I checked out the first six Harry Potter books (seven hadn’t been released yet).  In Kansas I would push our double stroller the mile and a half each direction to get there, when the weather was nice enough.  Our first library here had an excellent home school section, and Katie got her first library card there.  Then we moved to a much larger library system, which I hoped we could walk to, as the children grew, where they will ship in the books I request from other branches.  They moved our branch a bit further away, allowing for expansion, and incorporating every request our family made...a separate juvenile non-fiction section, child friendly restroom, an animal theme, we’ll, and I assume n the new books procured that Nate's young desire for, 'more digger books' was probably met too, though I didn’t double check the catalog on that one.

I can't imagine life without the library...  Books have been my friends, my source of income, and my educators.  This past year the library has given me books for personal reading and soooo many books for school.  Books on WWI, WWII, the Wright Brothers, literature books like Animal Farm and The Great Gatsby, books for historical reference like The Century by Peter Jennings and The Hiding Place, and books for philosophy like The Screwtape Letters.

Then there are the services libraries now provide the community for those who might not be able to have them at home...internet and printing services, educational opportunities, and story times for children.

So today I'm thankful for the beauty of blue skies and libraries.

A Decade

2010  - It was such a big year.  Justin was diagnosed as a type one diabetic in January.  In the spring he got the professorship here.  We sold our Kansas house (at a loss).  We packed up and moved without a place to go (thank you PODS).  We rented a house, and settled in.  We enrolled Katie in kindergarten, went to meet the teacher night, unenrolled Katie in kindergarten, and began home schooling.

2011 - We found our church home.  Paid down our line of credit.  Then we drew a circle around church and work and found a house in the middle.

2012 - Gabby joined our little home school.

2013 - Our sweet Ellie joined our family.

2014 - We redid the kids bathroom and bought a new fridge.  The older girls joined AHG.

2015 - We had a leak into the kitchen light from the upstairs shower.  We took our first real family vacation.  Nate joined our home school, and Ellie lost her buddy.

2016 - We packed up our crib.  Nate joined Trail Life, and Justin got pulled in as a leader.  Two kiddos had pneumonia at Christmas.

2017 - We built a Sk-Ellie-ton.  We saw a solar eclipse.  We got new floors.  Gabby got braces.

2018 - Katie and I got braces.  I went to the National AHG leader convention.  Ellie started kindergarten.

2019 - We made a second family trip the beach.  The older gals and I went to AHG camp.  Gabby’s braces came off!

I Can See Clearly Now...the Smudge is Gone

It all started a couple of weeks ago.  Nate has a Trail Life ceremony.  I broke out a new eye liner, my old one having run out.  As I was taking my right contact lens out, I felt like I smudged some of that liner in my eye.  I headed off to bed, thinking no more of it.

The following day was a busy day.  Gabby was getting her braces off, Katie was heading to a microbiology lab, and while my eye didn’t hurt, it was tearing a bit.  A reaction I thought.  I may have to toss that liner.  I left my lenses out and switched to glasses.

The next day Gabby was to go to the dentist for her cleaning.  Everyone else had been on Monday, but we waited for her braces to be off for a super good cleaning—Justin had to take her.  My eye was now red, but didn’t look infected.  I decided to head to our local optometrist to be on the safe side, as we were heading out of town the following day.

A scratch.  That's better than an infection, I was assured.  They heal much more quickly.  I was given an antibiotic to prevent the open wound from becoming infected, and a follow up the next morning.

No real improvement.  If anything, my eye is more red.  Follow up on Monday.

Saturday night was pretty miserable.  I was sure I was reacting to the antibiotic drops, so I got in touch with the on call doctor, who kindly worked to find a different antibiotic that was in stock at a pharmacy near my parents' home.  Much better.

Monday afternoon, more tests ordered...still not healed.  I find things to have halos and my vision is diminished a bit in the right eye.  Justin has taken to driving me because looking is just so tiring, though I was not restricted from driving.

I'm to follow up in one week.  Christmas afternoon I notice slightly better vision, but by Friday it has gone back to where it was.  I kept praying for a mud pie healing (John 9), but it wasn’t coming.

Monday morning I try to get an appointment with a local ophthalmologist.  They can get me in in February...  I explain my situation, so my chauffeur drives me to the office for the appointment they so kindly fit me in.  There were several tests, lots of drops.  The doctor, an alumni from the medical school attached to Justin's graduate school, shows Justin my eye.  He leans back and says that there are two ways to treat this.  The first is simple and he will try it today.  The other would need to be scheduled later.

He grabs a sterile q-tip and scrubs the smudge off my eye.  He said it is best described like dry skin, that formed over where it healed.  The night was a bit blurry, but we came home to our kiddos who had made dinner.  And in the morning, I woke to clear vision!

Happy New Year to me!

I'd spent a chunk of time wondering how we were going to pull off this life we've worked out with four kids who need to go to doctors, orthodontists, jobs, and troop meetings if I had to give up driving.  How was I going to read as much as I need to for our studies, when the effort was more than it had been?  I am so grateful that we don’t have to worry about that now.  I'm so incredibly thankful for these eyes that let me see.

God is so good...and my two weeks of struggle with my vision were weeks Justin could be here to drive me.  There were no troop meetings.  There were no unattainable doctors visits.