Obedience

I am a "Why?" person. I don't mind doing what you want if you'll tell me the reason. I don't think this is always a bad thing--it is good to know why, you can learn a lot that way. As such, I have tried, whenever feasible, to answer our kiddos, "Why's?"

Our minister made the point a few weeks ago that when our kids are asking, "Why?" they are no longer obeying, they are deciding if they agree. Hmm.

I still think teaching my children why we do things is important, so I chewed on that idea for a while. I came up with a new strategy. Now our rule is immediate obedience, but you are welcome to ask about the reason later.

Why immediate obedience? I know that is not popular in many circles, but here's the thing: I don't need to be telling you why I said stop as you continue walking in front of a moving car.

And then there is the other part of the parent child relationship. The one where we are learning to obey our earthly parents, who we can see, in order to learn how to obey the heavenly Father we can't.

Last week I was sitting thinking about a family who recently lost their home to a fire. It is tragic of course, but they have insurance. They will be able to rebuild and purchase replacements for things that were lost, as much as they are able to be found. I felt that I needed to make them a quilt. That was silly I thought, after all they could buy bedding at the store, right? If they bought it they would get what they wanted. I was in the middle of making my quilt. I didn't even know what sized bed they keep. That's silly. Nope. The feeling didn't go away. I still needed to make them a quilt.

Obedience.

Okay then. So I messaged their daughter on Facebook. She could tell me with what size bed I was working. When she wrote back with the size, she asked me why I wanted to know. I told her what I was up to and she told me that they had lost the quilt on their bed and this would mean so much to them. She also told me what colors they decorate in.

As a tiny foretaste of what it will be when I get to give them the quilt one of these days, the wife nearly cried when I gave them a spare blender we had accumulated. One that somehow hadn't made it to Goodwill, despite the fact it had been a in a box for donation and we have made several deliveries there.

I got my why--after I agreed to obey. Sure, their things can be replaced, but not the sentimentality of the gifts. As I go through my days I smile over the wedding gifts we received more than 12 years ago. I can still name the givers of many of those gifts. I can't replace the sentiment of that old quilt, but perhaps I can give them a new memory to smile over as they make their bed in their new home.

Sometimes we never know why we feel these promptings and sometimes we do. So when we get to know why, we can hold on to those for all those times we are left wondering.

Oh, and some day soon, I'll show you that quilt I've been working on!

Planned Ignoring

I took two classes in behavior modification in college. Two. Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence. See? :)

One of the strategies is Planned Ignoring. Sounds simple. You just ignore it. If you have ever done much work in behavior modification you will know, however, that typically any behavior you opt to modify will escalate when you start to work on it (since, hey this used to work and now it doesn't so I should just turn the volume up) AND ignoring is not easy.

Planned ignoring is kind of like time out, but you can do it anywhere and the kids is only isolated during the negative behavior in that you aren't pay attention to him or her then. And people may hate you. You can do it when a kiddo asks (and asks, and asks for something at the store). Answer once and ignore ever after, but they will get louder and more annoying and you can not give in and answer or you just taught the little munchkin, "If I ask a whole bunch of times and keep getting more annoying then I get my reward (even if it is a 'no,' since half the point was just the attention)." So if you go for planned ignoring be ready for loud. But then after a few (or a lot depending on how ingrained that behavior is) you will have many more quiet trips in your future.

May I present an example? Well it's my blog and I will if I want to.

Yesterday I went to the grocery. I've moved my trips to the afternoon because then we don't have to deal with 'The McDonald's Question' because we've already eaten lunch that way. Yesterday, however, I was still recovering from the plague really bad cold I had, so we went earlier in the day (less crowded and my munchkins tend to do better in the morning).

One of my three really pushed the limits the whole trip, but in an effort to move things along, I mostly let it go. Nothing had been horrid, just not the behavior I expect in a store. We did make a purchase at 'Make it Donald's.' (Thanks Nate for the new name, by the way!) Typically this behavior would have kept her off the burger list, but I was trying to keep things on an even keel. I never threatened to take it away, so I wasn't breaking the cardinal rule of discipline (Never make a threat you won't follow through on). When we got home, a certain child continued to be difficult. And refused to change her tune when I prompted it. So you know what, she didn't get her Make it Donald's.

And she was mad: scream the whole way through our lunch mad. I told her once that when she calmed down she was welcome to a normal peanut butter sandwich lunch and then...I ignored her as she screamed in the middle of the kitchen. I stepped around her to get ketchup. I chatted with the other two about their meals and their days. We finished our lunch. I tucked the two with burger filled tummies in bed. I made a peanut butter sandwich (around her) and left it on the table. The whole time she screamed. She got so tired she sat down. Then she decided that standing again would gain her more attention. She was wrong. I went upstairs. I ignored her. Eventually she went and ate lunch. I ignored that too.

When she was finished, I told her she could tuck herself in, since she was so late getting to rest. When she got mad about that, I told her if she screamed I would let her nap on the wood floor (so as not to disturb her nearby resting siblings) and then I walked away. She started to fuss, but soon noticed I wasn't there.

There are plenty of behaviors we can't ignore--safety and other people's sanity depend on us stepping in--but it is a nice (if loud) tool to have in your toolbox. Plus sometimes it even gets so absurd it is kind of comical, so you aren't even mad about the behavior anymore.

Two Ain't Got Nothin' on Four

Oh my goodness. Who is this angry little thing that comes out of my normally sweet little gal?

She picks on Kate before they are to get up in the mornings. She refuses to help clean up her messes. She is becoming a full time job on her own. We will get there, but there are days it feels like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

Yesterday we were walking into the store and she let go of my hand and took off. We hold hands in parking lots. We do not go it alone. So as I was telling her this she wandered off, like into the line of one of those powered wheelchair shopping carts, so I had to pull her back. That made her more angry, so I had to carry/pull her out of the way, as half of the opening of the store was closed off and we were very much in the way. As I tried to tell her what we need to do in public, she covered her entire face with her arms. I marched onward. She stayed put. It was busy. It was crowded. She was hostile. She thought she had won, but girlie doesn't know her Mama. There was only enough snack for two, so she didn't get any. There was only enough dessert for the rest of us. Natural consequences, natural consequences. No grocery store, no special food for you. Don't mess with that laundry folding marathon I had scheduled!

Now, I suppose I better get to the store before there is no food for anyone.

Trying

Oh my children how I love you, but could you give Mama a break please?


Nate has discovered climbing with the purpose of opening doors.


So far I have been able to thwart his efforts before any knobs have been turned.

Gabriella, oh my dear. She has been going through a testing phase. She screams and cries and fights over the smallest of things. And bedtime has become her number one battle ground. Typically annoying it is harder when children share a room because she's also causing trouble for Kate, which means no down time in the evenings.


Here she is running away and crying...again.

Kate, never one to be out done, has been writing on walls.


After I removed the Sharpie marks last week with alcohol swabs, she moved on to the more permanent than permanent marker approach, etching. She took a tack used to hold up some art work and scratched a picture into her wall, oh and smeared on some lip gloss on for good measure.


In case you can't really tell there are two stick figures, smiling, which I wasn't when I found it. Smiling that is, nor a stick figure for that matter.

Needless to say creative discipline has been getting a work out. And my oldest tells me that her lips will be chapped forever, you know because I made her toss the lip gloss that caused the lovely pink smudges on the walls (yes, plural).

Life Lessons for a Three Year Old

A very wise woman (on my Facebook friend's list) once said, "Whoever said the twos were terrible obviously didn't make it to the threes."

Even in their rebellion our girls are different. Kate destroyed things. And honestly Gabby has broken a couple of slats on the mini blind, but that is far from our biggest issue with her.

See, the thing that most motivated Kate to be good was getting to go out, and she loved to shop. That is on Gabby's list of undesirable activities. So last week as we went Christmas shopping, I had to carry her into the store, and then carry her back out again (while carrying the baby boy). He could walk, but I haven't let him in on this fact yet. I learned when the girls found that they could walk in the store that I had a very hard time getting them to be held or ride in a cart, ever, even when we needed to make a long trip.

Then Monday I had to take her out again. We were nearly out of milk, we had to have more before dinner. We didn't even make it past the greeter. She was laying in the floor screaming. Joy.

I half drug, half carried her out of the store.

Later when she asked for a snack I told her that we didn't have enough food for a snack today. She was ready to go back then! I'm a big fan of logical consequences, when I can find them.

We went back and had a relatively uneventful trip...until we were all ready to leave. Except for our resident three year old. She refused to put on her coat. I reminded her it was cold. She balked. She balks a lot these days.

Finally I handed her coat and told her she had to carry it to the car. It was cold enough that I knew she would be uncomfortable, but not dangerously so and she was wearing a sweater. I figured I looked like less of a monster if it was clear she had a coat and just wasn't wearing it. This plan worked perfectly...until half way through the crosswalk. When she started begging for her coat, instead of stopping the cart full of groceries, managing her brother and sister while bending to her new whim, I had the audacity to cheerfully tell her that, "I will be happy to help you with your coat when we get to the van."

Oh, she was mad. How dare I not do exactly what she wanted at the inconvenience to everyone else in the busy parking lot, despite her obvious disobedience earlier?! It resulted in a lot of screaming, more half dragging, a 'putting into' the van (as she would not go willingly), and a rather difficult car seat strapping, as she kept trying to get out as I was fastening the straps.

In short it was unpleasant. But you know what? Yesterday she wore her coat. She learned a lesson that all the lecturing in the world wouldn't have taught and she won't likely forget soon.

We are being very intentional with disciplining Gabby. We have heard stories of many middle children who got into a lot of trouble because their parents weren't paying attention. It was easiest to move through life without making waves and these children are often more quiet than their out going older siblings and the babies of the family. We love her and want what is best, even if it means a hissy fit or two along the way.

Revolt

If they do nothing else, my children keep me humble. Last week I thought I had the sleep situation worked out, but alas it was not to be. Gabby got sick, which may have caused the beginning of the lapse, but now it has spun out of control. We're talking hours to fall asleep and at least an hour before the alarm goes off (for a 3 hour loss on the night--every night).

Last night I lost track of how many trips we made, but it ended with me sitting up there for 45 minutes or so, just praying for wisdom in how to handle this situation. I was visibly upset, evidently, because Kate asked what was wrong, so I told her that this was my time with Daddy and that she and Gabby were keeping me from that. Generally, we believe honesty is the best, but evidently my devious little girl takes this as her point of attack. This morning she tells me that she's going to ruin my evenings and not let me watch any more movies by making me come upstairs.

How do I convince them that this is worth their effort and not negotiable? We've tried rewards. Then we warned if we came up again there would be no Sesame Street today, so there was no Big Bird or Elmo at our house this morning. Is staying consistent with this the best plan, so they know we mean business or do we chuck this plan as a failure and move on to something else?

The quandaries of parenthood! I'm sure there will be a day that fighting in bed will seem small and insignificant, but it is a battle to be waged now--for peace and for rest for my sleepy eyed little darlings.

Ah the joys of bribery positive reinforcement. We put the girls together about a week ago at bed time. It's been an adjustment. The first few nights they giggled and stayed up a little later than we'd like, but as the week has worn on they have gotten louder and picked on each other more. One night Gabby, who was quite tired from all of this up late-ness, bit Kate when she was bothering her...twice. Last night we made more trips up the stairs than I care to count.

Today I told the girls if they would go straight up and sleep that we would make a craft tomorrow. Silence, not a peep, and no trips upstairs! We're going to start a reward chart tomorrow and hopefully get this room mate situation taken care of so they have one less big change with the big move.